As the Biblemen surrounded the airborne Hogwarts Express...armed to the proverbial teeth...it seemed obvious they weren't going to back down without a good reason. Buffy picked up the megaphone Harry kept from his Quidditch days and talked into it..."Okay...i'm only gonna say this once...so listen up."
"We are part of a UN sponsored task force whose purpose is that of protection against terrorism and injustice (God, thought Buffy, could that be any more corny...), and if you persist in attacking us, we will be forced to defend ourselves."
"'Scuse me whilst I duck under the lunch cart..." said Broom Hilda, tossing her cigar over the side.
"Very nice Buffy..." said Harry. "Let's see if they buy it..."
In response, the commander of the Biblemen spokethrough his armor's PA system...."We do not recognise the authority of man's organizations. The UN panders to a cultural elite. We...and the President of theUnited States...recognize but one authority." And ,as if to emphasize the point...he fired a warning shot across the top of the train engine.
"You missed." Buffy said.
"No, I didn't" the commander responded....
***************************
In Philadelphia, a tall, shaven-headed man wearing a green poncho came in from the rainstorm....it seemed like it always rained in Philadelphia....The tall man walked into a bar, called simply...."Spirits" ...but it read like "pirt" because some neon letters were missing...the tall man walked up to thebar and ordered a scotch on the rocks.
He sat next to a man in a wrinkled yellow raincoat and hat. His wristwatch seemed to be talking to him. "Dick, this is Tess. Get your drunk ass home. I'm leaving you a message..."
The bartender...anold bruiser named Denny smiled sadly at him. "David...you gotta go easy on the stuff..."
"Is Fight Club happening tonight?"David Dunn asked..
"Really...you gotta wife and son..."
"Is.Fight.Club.Happening. Tonight?"
Denny let out a sigh."Yes. Fight Club is happening tonight."
**********
" Want me to turn 'em into frogs, boss?" Hilda asked. " Or how about just their testicles?"
"No...no, I don't think so...let's see what the Townsville deterrent can do..." and ...as though in response...a pink, blue and green striped comet came flashing through the sky....."Here they are...just in time."Buffy grinned.
The tracers in the sky seemed to be almost...skywriting as they quickly disarmed the Biblemen...being very careful not to harm them...although the green tracer managed to strip one of them down to his boxers...Buffy spoke into he rphone."Very nice girls...I think they got the point...better get back to bed...the Professor will kill me if he finds out I kept you up..." And...from the sky could be heard the sound of ....giggling.
"Pretty effective." Harry mused to himself."We're gonna need 'em...they may not be available 24/7...kindergarden and all...plus their dad and Townsville's mayor seemed reluctant to let them play too much in the "real world"...but even as part-timers,we're lucky to get them."
Harry nodded to his associate, who wasn't a day over 1500 years old.."Better set course for Philadelphia...Buffy...how much do you know about this guy Moneypenny wants us to recruit?"
"Well...just what we read in the papers...about how thousands were killed before ...before he was found..."Harry lowered his eyes..."This was the guy who turned in Elijah Rice. Considered one of the world's most dangerous terrorists since Bin Laden and....well...You-Know-Who".Buffy nodded,and said one word.
"Yeah."
Monday, December 10, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Unification
Harry had the train's radio turned to the Pan Wizard/Muggle broadcasting network for the "Mallard Fillmore Freedom And Drinkin' Show".
"M'kay. So."
"Close to ...well, about a decade ago, it's revealed to the world that all those nice stories we read about the wizard Harry Potter, and the evil, nasty Voldemort, and Dumbledore...who was a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean, and I think you do...are all true."
"Leading to the revelation, and subsequent unification of the "wizard" and "muggle" worlds. "Muggles" are what wizards call good, hard working, NORMAL Americans like you and me, folks. Oh, and you normal Brits, too, eh wot? I apologize for leaving you out."
"ANY-way..."
"It was all 'good in the hood' at first...trade relations between the 'wizard' and 'muggle' worlds proliferated....hey, normal kids could have broomsticks , Chocolate Frogs, and Bertie Botts Beans. What a concept. "
"But...what about the numbers of Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons graduates helping the Coalition Of The Willing fight our War On Terror? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THERE ARE NONE."
"No wizards willing to help us. They'll take our muggle money, but have you seen a single wizard helping in Iraq?"
"Something's wrong folks. NOW, rumor has it that HP is allying himself with the legendary Slayer who helped destroy a Southern California town a few years back...to what purpose ...no one can say..."
"Hilda, turn that damn thing down, it's distracting." Harry said to Broom Hilda, his assistant.
It was a....very different sensation, Buffy thought to herself, flying at twelve thousand feet in British airspace in the former Hogwarts Express. As she took a sip of the pumpkin juice Harry had very thoughtfully provided, she asked him, "So....when was it for you?"
"When was what?" he asked.
"The first day you realized you were different?"
"Hmm...guess it was the first time I turned a teacher's hair blue...it wasn't something I wanted to think about too much....No...really, it was when Hagrid visited me that first time we were locked up in the cabin off of Dover."
"Really? The letters didn't do it for you?"
"No..not so much....i mean, they could have been a prank,couldn't they? Anyway...how about you?" Buffy pursed her lips and thought a minute. "Amery High,freshman year. When Merrick first showed up" The memory drew asmall tear...or looked like it would. "Then, next thing, I burned down the gym...and it was off to Sunnydale...and the rest is history." Hilda came hobbling in from the engine room. "Reaching American airspace in a hurry , boss. Is it gonna be Townsville, or Philly first?"
Harry thought a minute. "Best be safe and make it..." All of a sudden, the skies outside the window grew dark, blotting out the sun. Harry, Buffy and Hilda went to the windows to be confronted with the sight of a platoon of United States funded Biblemen astride flying atomic horses,carrying what looked like lightsabers. The Biblemen were dressed in kevlar armor designed to resemble the Batman costume Michael Keaton wore, but with a glowing cross on the chest."Oops." Buffy said.
"I'll be fucked," Hilda muttered.
"Here's the ironic part....Uncle Vernon sold drills to theWolfram, Hart and Peterson outfit to make those weapons."Harry said."Attention, flying train. You are violating American air space. According to the anti-magical terrorist protocols , unless you identify yourselves immediately, you will be blown out of the sky. God bless you."The occupants of the train looked at one another nervously..."Relax gang,"Buffy said as she brought out a white cellphone with what looked like a cartoon smiley face and a red nose..."I got it covered...." She hit the button and spoke into thereciever,"Hi Girls...I know it must be past your bedtime, but if you would converge on my coordinates, this is a Code Red....time to save the day."
"M'kay. So."
"Close to ...well, about a decade ago, it's revealed to the world that all those nice stories we read about the wizard Harry Potter, and the evil, nasty Voldemort, and Dumbledore...who was a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean, and I think you do...are all true."
"Leading to the revelation, and subsequent unification of the "wizard" and "muggle" worlds. "Muggles" are what wizards call good, hard working, NORMAL Americans like you and me, folks. Oh, and you normal Brits, too, eh wot? I apologize for leaving you out."
"ANY-way..."
"It was all 'good in the hood' at first...trade relations between the 'wizard' and 'muggle' worlds proliferated....hey, normal kids could have broomsticks , Chocolate Frogs, and Bertie Botts Beans. What a concept. "
"But...what about the numbers of Hogwarts, Durmstrang and Beauxbatons graduates helping the Coalition Of The Willing fight our War On Terror? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THERE ARE NONE."
"No wizards willing to help us. They'll take our muggle money, but have you seen a single wizard helping in Iraq?"
"Something's wrong folks. NOW, rumor has it that HP is allying himself with the legendary Slayer who helped destroy a Southern California town a few years back...to what purpose ...no one can say..."
"Hilda, turn that damn thing down, it's distracting." Harry said to Broom Hilda, his assistant.
It was a....very different sensation, Buffy thought to herself, flying at twelve thousand feet in British airspace in the former Hogwarts Express. As she took a sip of the pumpkin juice Harry had very thoughtfully provided, she asked him, "So....when was it for you?"
"When was what?" he asked.
"The first day you realized you were different?"
"Hmm...guess it was the first time I turned a teacher's hair blue...it wasn't something I wanted to think about too much....No...really, it was when Hagrid visited me that first time we were locked up in the cabin off of Dover."
"Really? The letters didn't do it for you?"
"No..not so much....i mean, they could have been a prank,couldn't they? Anyway...how about you?" Buffy pursed her lips and thought a minute. "Amery High,freshman year. When Merrick first showed up" The memory drew asmall tear...or looked like it would. "Then, next thing, I burned down the gym...and it was off to Sunnydale...and the rest is history." Hilda came hobbling in from the engine room. "Reaching American airspace in a hurry , boss. Is it gonna be Townsville, or Philly first?"
Harry thought a minute. "Best be safe and make it..." All of a sudden, the skies outside the window grew dark, blotting out the sun. Harry, Buffy and Hilda went to the windows to be confronted with the sight of a platoon of United States funded Biblemen astride flying atomic horses,carrying what looked like lightsabers. The Biblemen were dressed in kevlar armor designed to resemble the Batman costume Michael Keaton wore, but with a glowing cross on the chest."Oops." Buffy said.
"I'll be fucked," Hilda muttered.
"Here's the ironic part....Uncle Vernon sold drills to theWolfram, Hart and Peterson outfit to make those weapons."Harry said."Attention, flying train. You are violating American air space. According to the anti-magical terrorist protocols , unless you identify yourselves immediately, you will be blown out of the sky. God bless you."The occupants of the train looked at one another nervously..."Relax gang,"Buffy said as she brought out a white cellphone with what looked like a cartoon smiley face and a red nose..."I got it covered...." She hit the button and spoke into thereciever,"Hi Girls...I know it must be past your bedtime, but if you would converge on my coordinates, this is a Code Red....time to save the day."
Monday, November 26, 2007
Part One: A Gathering Of Eagles
It was a rainy evening at Number Four Privet Drive, the location of a new outlet of the PanWizard/Muggle Broadcasting Network. The smell of chocolate and cherry smoke from Bertie Botts brand cigarettes was thick in the air. This was the first thing the petite blonde from California, late of a town called Sunnydale noticed as she walked in the main lobby. Word had it one of the owner's of the station,and it's most popular announcer, bought the house from it's previous Muggle owner for a song. Which was suprising as said owner grew up in the house and hated every minute of it.
A small,green witch who smelled of cigar smoke and whiskey, and who sat at reception was right on the job."What can I do for ya, skinny?"
"Buffy Summers to see Harry Potter?"
The witch smirked. "He's got a show goin' on, so he can't see ya right now...but it's wrappin' up in a few...you can go in then." She took a drag on her cigar, which was NOT manufactured by the Bertie Botts Company. The blonde sat down and thumbed through a dog-eared editon of the Daily Prophet-Sentinel, with headlines like"Sons of Voldemort support group censure Potter for defamation of character"and "Biblemen accused of abuse at Platform 9 3/4". All the while listening to the call in radio show from the lobby speakers..."So...what you are telling me is that Voldemort is alive and well and working in Cleveland as a waitress? Thank you sir....we wait all night for calls like these...." It sounded like the DJ was wrapping up his show, so the tiny blonde took a chance and silently walked in the door of the studio...as she did, the bearded, unkempt announcer looked up with a smirk, "We have a special suprise for you folks....looks like the infamous slayer, Buffy Summers, has deigned to join us tonight..."At this the tiny blonde smirked and displayed her middle finger in Harry Potter's direction.After answering a few questions about vampires and is Angel, former CEO of Wolfram, Hart, and Peterson, really cute in real life, Harry segued into the "Mallard Fillmore Freedom And Drinkin' Show", and got down to the business at hand."So....are you still gonna be a part of this?"Buffy asked, "Moneypenny and the others at the UN need to know...""You know I am...but you know this won't be easy," Harry responded while cleaning up the coffee cups and ashtrays..."Ever since the..."unification" of the Muggle and Wizarding worlds, since Volemort died...plus those bloody books by Rowling..."
"You don't have to tell me...those Biblemen the President commisioned as a "faith-based response to the forces of darkness and terrorism"...his words, not mine...have been getting in the Slayers and Watcher's hair for months..."Buffy let out an exasperated sigh, "I dunno...this does sound a little crazy, doesn't it?"
"Crazy is our specialty, remember? C'mon..."Harry said as he escorted Buffy out the door, "It's time to show you the new ride" Harry turned to his receptionist, ". Broom-Hilda. Get off your fat arse. We're going to America, what in hell do I pay you for?"
Broom Hilda spit out her cigar in a spitoon and followed the two. Later on, after a ride in the Wizarding Bus...only a Wizarding bus in name, usually the thing was filled with muggle wizard geeks hoping to get a look at the now grown-up boy wizard...not a chance of that, as Harry had taken steps to alter his appearance whenever he went out in public...today he decided to appear as comic strip icon Andy Capp.After some bumps , hairpin turns,and close calls with barmen to whom Andy owed a lot of money, the pair arrived at an all but deserted Victoria station. "Not too may Biblemen on duty here,glad to say..." Harry noted as he opened up his revised Marauder'sMap...touched a small red spot on the map ,after which, the old Hogwarts Express came roaring into view."So ...no one really uses this anymore? How do the wizard kids get to Hogwarts now?"Buffy inquired as they boarded the train."Mostly by portkey or the floo network. Shame really, the train was always my favorite part of the new school year. But wizard kids are far from safe now...so its the floo, the portkeys, or nothing." Harry responded as he nodded to Hilda, who hobbled to the front train engine."So...where is our next stop?"
Buffy wrinkled her brow, "Um...Townsville...then Philadelphia...but...I thought we'd be going to Heathrow first...""No need..."Harry said with a small grin as he murmured into aspeaking tube as the train lurched forward a few feet...and began sailing into the air! "The Weasleys once figured if they could make their Ford Anglia or whatever it was fly with charmed car parts, how much harder couldit be to do the same with a train? Pumpkin juice?" Harry said, holding up a pitcher.
A small,green witch who smelled of cigar smoke and whiskey, and who sat at reception was right on the job."What can I do for ya, skinny?"
"Buffy Summers to see Harry Potter?"
The witch smirked. "He's got a show goin' on, so he can't see ya right now...but it's wrappin' up in a few...you can go in then." She took a drag on her cigar, which was NOT manufactured by the Bertie Botts Company. The blonde sat down and thumbed through a dog-eared editon of the Daily Prophet-Sentinel, with headlines like"Sons of Voldemort support group censure Potter for defamation of character"and "Biblemen accused of abuse at Platform 9 3/4". All the while listening to the call in radio show from the lobby speakers..."So...what you are telling me is that Voldemort is alive and well and working in Cleveland as a waitress? Thank you sir....we wait all night for calls like these...." It sounded like the DJ was wrapping up his show, so the tiny blonde took a chance and silently walked in the door of the studio...as she did, the bearded, unkempt announcer looked up with a smirk, "We have a special suprise for you folks....looks like the infamous slayer, Buffy Summers, has deigned to join us tonight..."At this the tiny blonde smirked and displayed her middle finger in Harry Potter's direction.After answering a few questions about vampires and is Angel, former CEO of Wolfram, Hart, and Peterson, really cute in real life, Harry segued into the "Mallard Fillmore Freedom And Drinkin' Show", and got down to the business at hand."So....are you still gonna be a part of this?"Buffy asked, "Moneypenny and the others at the UN need to know...""You know I am...but you know this won't be easy," Harry responded while cleaning up the coffee cups and ashtrays..."Ever since the..."unification" of the Muggle and Wizarding worlds, since Volemort died...plus those bloody books by Rowling..."
"You don't have to tell me...those Biblemen the President commisioned as a "faith-based response to the forces of darkness and terrorism"...his words, not mine...have been getting in the Slayers and Watcher's hair for months..."Buffy let out an exasperated sigh, "I dunno...this does sound a little crazy, doesn't it?"
"Crazy is our specialty, remember? C'mon..."Harry said as he escorted Buffy out the door, "It's time to show you the new ride" Harry turned to his receptionist, ". Broom-Hilda. Get off your fat arse. We're going to America, what in hell do I pay you for?"
Broom Hilda spit out her cigar in a spitoon and followed the two. Later on, after a ride in the Wizarding Bus...only a Wizarding bus in name, usually the thing was filled with muggle wizard geeks hoping to get a look at the now grown-up boy wizard...not a chance of that, as Harry had taken steps to alter his appearance whenever he went out in public...today he decided to appear as comic strip icon Andy Capp.After some bumps , hairpin turns,and close calls with barmen to whom Andy owed a lot of money, the pair arrived at an all but deserted Victoria station. "Not too may Biblemen on duty here,glad to say..." Harry noted as he opened up his revised Marauder'sMap...touched a small red spot on the map ,after which, the old Hogwarts Express came roaring into view."So ...no one really uses this anymore? How do the wizard kids get to Hogwarts now?"Buffy inquired as they boarded the train."Mostly by portkey or the floo network. Shame really, the train was always my favorite part of the new school year. But wizard kids are far from safe now...so its the floo, the portkeys, or nothing." Harry responded as he nodded to Hilda, who hobbled to the front train engine."So...where is our next stop?"
Buffy wrinkled her brow, "Um...Townsville...then Philadelphia...but...I thought we'd be going to Heathrow first...""No need..."Harry said with a small grin as he murmured into aspeaking tube as the train lurched forward a few feet...and began sailing into the air! "The Weasleys once figured if they could make their Ford Anglia or whatever it was fly with charmed car parts, how much harder couldit be to do the same with a train? Pumpkin juice?" Harry said, holding up a pitcher.
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